Letting Go and Moving On

Today should have been my 21st wedding anniversary. Instead, I'm anxiously awaiting a settlement conference date to finalize the details of our divorce. Since I'm the one who initiated the process, I can't complain, but it's still sad to think about, all too easy to dwell on.

Along with the divorce, and the unfortunate accompanying tangle of emotions, comes a concurrent break with a couple of forlorn what-ifs (cryptic enough for ya?).  Supposedly, it takes 21 days to break a habit. My question regarding that oft-spouted tidbit of conventional wisdom: even if it's something that's been plaguing you for over 24 years? We'll see. My guess is, replacing the habit with a more positive outlet for the needs involved will be the only way to cure myself of this seemingly unending cycle rooted in futility and rejection.

Anyway, it's time to call up my newly single friends (surprisingly, there's a wave of us) and get out there. Along with posting some better pictures of myself on the dating websites so people don't just see my round face and assume I'm chunky. Because this should be fun, right?

Oy vey.

Romantic Suspense

In finishing up the manuscript I'm currently working on, a tale centered around what essentially amounts to a forbidden love story (albeit a twisted take on the convention), I've been thinking about the concept of anticipation. In the present atmosphere of communicative immediacy, has the art of longing become a thing of the past, relegated to times of world wars and the overseas letters? Perhaps, but I would argue, No.

Just like in the above-mentioned story (which includes some beyond-the-grave horror and science fiction elements), I believe new methods of communication breed anticipation rather than eradicate it, putting us in touch with people with whom we may have previously believed it impossible to interact. And the taste of the resulting anticipation evoked? Undeniably sweet. Mind-blowingly delicious. Satisfyingly savory--or unsavory, depending on your proclivities.

Which is why I don't think the forbidden love story will ever truly go away. Obstacles only make the realization of consummation more tempting, making us crave what we realize we can't--or shouldn't--have, then go after it with a force rooted deep in our souls. Even if we know it could destroy us.

Thoughts on Beginning to Date

Because I'm starting to remember what it's like to have a certain someone yank my chain, no way am I jumping off any metaphorical cliffs in the near future. Now that my divorce is getting closer to being final, however, I am thinking about what it'll be like to start dating again. Perhaps this is somewhat petty and Seinfeldesque, but as I've been appraising the guys I encounter in passing, I find myself going through a mental checklist:

1. Wedding ring? You'd be surprised how many guys chat and flirt and practically rape me with their eyes while still being tethered to someone else. No, thanks. I can empathize with all sorts of complicated situations, but not a good place to start something fresh.

2. He may be hot and giving me the eye, but does he look like he could potentially turn out to be one of my 16-year-old son's friends? As in, how young is this guy??? I've actually considered curtailing my angry-line Botox injections because the older guys I want aren't paying enough attention to me, but the younger guys who probably still want kids seem quite attentive, and I'm totally done on that score. Weird dilemma.

3. Do his shoulders slope? Let's just say, I get the man-hands thing. I like a guy with squared-off shoulders. And awesome forearms, but that's probably a little too much information. Maybe it's silly, but if his shoulders are rounded, no matter how built he might otherwise be, it's going to be an eventual turnoff.

4. Along the same lines, how tall is he? If he's shorter than my two boys (5'9" and 5"10", and still growing), I'd hesitate.

5. Does he bore the crap out of me? I feel callous for putting this one on my list, but it's a seriously important factor to consider. I need someone who's going to engage my mind, stimulating my brain as well as my libido.

Anything I'm missing?

Standing on the Cliff

Before I turn off the router and get to the writing I'm actually supposed to be doing today, I wanted to take a minute to write about the prospect of falling in love. Is it something we allow ourselves to do, or is it something that just happens? Is it even possible to control such feelings, or are we mere mortals subject to their whims, only along for the ride? And how about if you've already been there, done that with the person in question and are terrified of letting it happen again because you got hurt so badly the first time around?

Yeah, I'm a mess. Took me years to extract those feelings of loss from my life and move on, but I did it, and now I'm courting their return? This is not a good idea, to say the least. But then, is life ever neat and tidy? Is it even worth living without passion? To paraphrase Chuck Palahniuk, Bad decisions and poor associations make for great writing. So there. Besides, maybe things will be different this time. Maybe it's meant to be; otherwise, the idea wouldn't be so intriguing.

Am I a Publicity Nightmare?

So there's this author questionnaire I'm filling out for Alloy/Warner Brothers. I've been needing to turn it in but haven't yet done so. I will, but it (combined with a quasi-flame war on facebook this morning regarding the wood I have for Quentin Tarantino) got me to thinking, how honest should I be?

A long time ago (far back enough that hallucinogens might have been involved), I came to a realization I considered profound at the time: even though I have eclectic taste in music and a warped sense of humor, I'm just an upper middle-class white girl who likes to write her angst and maybe has a bad attitude. Speaking of which, did I mention my love for Jesus? Like my mom says, church is for the sinner, not the saint.

Anyway, when I go to an author's blog or twitter feed or whatever, I like it best when I can get a sense of his or her personality. Makes me feel like I know them as a person, not just for what they write. I suppose this could be disconcerting to a public figure, but I don't really see myself that way (even if this book winds up selling a bajillion--please, God!--copies), so it's hard to project that distance.

All this to say, if I offend you, I'm sorry. I've been teased for being weird all my life, so the fact that I'm not going to make everyone happy isn't news to me. Hopefully we can still be friends.

Late-Night Communication and Other Bad Ideas

Did high school not teach me anything??? Just saying. I'm 42, and still, I make the same mistakes I was prone to making at 16. Except now that we have email and facebook and all these nifty other means of expressing our innermost thoughts, it's even easier to kick things up a notch in terms of errant behavior.

So, yeah. Wasn't drinking wine--or even hard lemonade--so what's my excuse? I'm going to go with provocation. Encouragement. Carrot-dangling. Well, maybe not that last one, since it sounds kind of dirty. But you get the idea. Because I can get myself into plenty of trouble all by myself. Any help, and all sense of propriety is summarily tossed out the window.

Oh, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I didn't say that much, so I should stop stressing out. Because cursing every time a piece of junk mail from Groupon or eBay or Domino's arrives in my in box instead of a reaction from last night's late-night recipient isn't helping anything.

Obsessive, Enduring Love

So now you know what the e-book I'm working on is about. I'm still not supposed to talk about it, but I think that's vague enough a teaser, I shouldn't get in too much trouble for sharing. Anyway, just wanted to check in real quick to let everyone know where my mind will be for the next couple months as I finish the manuscript, since I may put blogging on hold for a little while.